transitional period

i don't know what to do with my thoughts gained in this transitional period:

i completely understand why my mother had to drop out of college when she was in her sophomore year in college. i understand her sitting in her mothers car driving home. it makes it very difficult to be mad at her now, for the things she has made me feel. i keep having a hard time faulting other people for doing anything in general in the past month. i think i do it because it's common practice to hold people accountable for their actions. it's confusing though, if we are conditioned to a certain behavior as a child, what are we held accountable to after that? i try to stop my conditioned response but it usually goes the opposite way and i do an even worse action than before. 

i'm so fortunate for every person around me. i'm so fortunate that the people around me tolerate me somewhat. i don't think that if you asked me when i was thirteen that i would encounter so many amazing, interesting, remarkable people that actually want to speak to me (sometimes). i can confidently say that i genuinely fuck with so many people. i've heard so many good jokes and bits in the past four months to amount for a lifetime. i don't actually care if you have done anything fucked up to me before or if we have fought because it never really matters when you think about it from afar. if i've done anything fucked up to you, i think about it all the time and regret it (i have been confident in five decisions in my life: i cannot even name them). 

i've learned i make horrible decisions. since i was fifteen i've realized that i belong in a monotonous job where i don't have to think about much at all. i keep people and things in gray areas because i don't want to make decisions. i only make decisions when other people want me to make them and it's embarrassing how submissive i am to other people sometimes. if i love you i will consider jumping off a cliff if you tell me to. 

i love watching tv and don't really care if people think it's an invalid hobby. why is being a film person a valid personality trait but not watching tv serially one? i love reality tv and it is not trash tv. you can watch it for entertainment factor or actually think about what you are watching and once you do it's amazing and makes you understand why people act in a certain way. 

most people like you because you are a mechanism of themselves. people using people is natural. never assume that someone wants to do something for you just because they do. they want to give you something so that they themselves receive and it's not a bad thing it just is. if you are not receiving from the transaction and fitting in with your life and their life then you are wasting your time. 

jobs do give you a purpose. yes, the purpose is made up in your brain because you were told that life is meaningful with a job, but it does give you a purpose. i think hating on people for having that thought is pointless and reductive as you will continue to hate being alive if you don't see working as having any sort of purpose and only a means to an end. it doesn't matter if you are a doctor or a customer service worker we all are parts of a something, doing something. without work i'd be poor and bored this semester. i don't dream to work but i don't hate myself for belonging in a system. 

i like carefree men because i'm a control freak and i hate myself. i think most of the time when i like men it's to self sabotage myself and i'm not sure how to stop it. i don't have daddy issues but it's a sickly pattern that the men i usually like are unattainable and older than me. you need therapy, you need a man, you need this and that but i need someone to tell me what to do and i'm not sure if that's a problem. i know it inherently sounds like a problem but i'm not sure if i'd have any sort of purpose of any action and i'd probably just kill myself. 

most rich people are degenerates but they usually can't help it. 

it really is me inside somedays and sometimes i play pretend in my head and live a different life and that's okay. most days i do want to lay my head onto a glass wall and stare at my reflection and have nothing in my head and that's okay. wanting to have no consciousness consumes my life sometimes and i don't know how to fix most of my problems but i move on and persevere. 

life is boring but people are interesting so i'm going to continue living for other people. 

i'd probably be a better poet if i went to therapy. 

    i'm also slightly illiterate/possibly dyslexic? i think that the past year of telling myself that my thoughts are valid and i deserve to be heard have ruined the way that i speak. i don't think i say what i feel in a cohesive manner and just say word vomit for the most part because i am too scared to say what i truly feel in the end and it might have to stay like this forever but i hope that i can at least write down it instead.